Feeling Down, Feeling Anxious

292

I don't really know what's wrong with me. I'm anxious again. I know what could be pressuring me, but I can't believe there could be so much pressure from one little thing.

That's the thing with anxiety. There is a problem, but adding anxiety you come up with 20 more problems! So many horrid thoughts are flying round my brain. It's horrible and I don't know what to do or say.

Right now, for example, I'm tiring myself out, forgetting and mixing up letters while writing. I have an odd smell constantly surrounding me. I don't feel like getting out of bed, like I'm glued to it. I don't feel like doing the things I love because I feel I'll get criticized for doing so. It's like I'm not allowed to anything I like anymore, that people would rather see me study and see me clean up the house than see me have fun and do the other stuff when they're not looking.

My head is spinning. What is this messed up house of madness?

I've started making up extremely elaborate scenarios that may have interrupted my rational thinking. I won't tell you about them too much, all I can say is that they're much better than what is going here, right now. That's also a problem, I know. I made myself an extraordinary escape route that I can never escape through. Quite pointless but still. Now I live in two worlds that both have massive problems, what do I do?

I can't get myself out of the terrible thoughts. I have been drawing, if that is any good? The worst part about me being creative and trying to get out of the enormous hole I am stuck in is the fact that other people don't understand. I need to be social in times like this so I can actually leave the house and contact people. So for example, when I send a photo of a drawing to someone and they 'around compliment' (say that they don't like it, but like it from a different perspective) it, even though overall it is nice and a compliment it still hurts me. It's like you get poked. When you are not anxious the poke is just a poke, when you are, the poke turns into a punch, a knock-out. Do you see what I'm going with here? Everything seems so much bigger when I'm anxious, too bold for me to handle.

In a time like this, I just need something really happy, something to fling me to the sky. When I'm in a hole I don't need a spade, I don't want a friend, I want a rocket ship, I want to get out now, this second and come back for dinner. I want to have that one thing that'll make me happy for longer than an hour. Something to completely bring me out of it, if that is even possible.

My stakes are high though I'm feeling low,
Trying to find my way back home.
Though it's really all right, I wouldn't know,
I'm in the middle of a forest called NO.

Those are my feeling in shape of one little poem. This was quite a lengthy post. It's nice getting my feelings out, would be even better if people knew of them. Ah, who am I kidding. I'd probably lose my life if I told someone. I'll see you guys later, love you lots.

Love, GABBY