Existing

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Now that's a hefty topic. I currently feel like falling onto the floor and staying there, face down. Something Dan Howell may have given me, perhaps.

This day that is, TODAY, visits us once every 4 years. Every 4 years we get an extra day. Is it an opportunity, a curse? In fact, it's just the world making our lives a little longer and so on.

I ponder about many things when it comes to existing, mostly why? and who?.

Why? as the reason for doing what we do.
Who? which is a collection of so many questions I ask about people.

And again, they have me wondering... Why and who?

Why do I stress out about things that I love? It doesn't make any sense to me. These questions I can answer and improve on myself, for they come from reflections of myself.

Who and the millions of questions after? That's a tough one.


I tend to throw back my life and look at how it was, that's a known fact though. I dream of these idealistic situations, not like in the movies, but people I can be authentic and creative with. Bold with. When things start to look the wrong way I go to 'fear' mode. I don't know what to do, I panic.

The truth is that people all have their own expectations and most people don't think the same way.

Things take over my will of existing. I would like to sit down, in a cafe, order a cappuccino with a dear friend and not have to constantly worry my mind with the fact that:

• I may be missing out on something
• I'm losing time by having fun
• I'm wasting money on something I don't need
• I could be doing something better
• my friend doesn't want to spend time with me
• I'm losing my friend
• everybody around me is staring me down
• I could be doing something productive
• cappuccino isn't healthy
• etc etc etc etc etc

My mind has to go to 'brain rehab'. It's tired. It would like a bit of free time, happy time. Not the fake ones in stories, not memories from the past or visions of the future. It would like to be happy now, right now, doing the simple little things that it dreams of. It would like to forget about every stupid thing that's out to get it, because nothing actually is. It would like to do what it likes to because that's what it's here for.

I don't care about the newest phone  out or any crap. I care about the little things... and everything else too. I want to live as me not as the whole world's problems. Life as me, a happy, real me. Is that so much to ask for?

Love, GABBY