in loneliness i cry

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 I am an introvert. 

This is a fact; one that, in fact, has been disputed by people around me for many years. That being said, I do believe that those closest to me understand and would advocate me being an introvert. 

Similarly though, those closest to me would mention my perpetual need for human contact, embrace, socialising and loudness. That... is all true - I would greatly confirm, actually - but the introversion within me remains the same. 

Lockdowns, tier fours, social distancing... all of it has ruined the lively introvert life I was living. I may now sadly inform you that I am nothing but a blurb. A small, tasteless blurb, waking up each morning and eating the same food they stopped desiring 4 weeks ago. Depression? Sure, but I would prefer to call this precise thing loneliness - extreme loneliness, to be precise. 

As I sit at home, lonely amongst a few people, I do not engage in new and exciting human contact, I do not hug, I do not hold, I do not take photos and make memories; this lack of socialising is killing me very slowly but surely. Expressing my loneliness to my close ones typically ends with a statement about how many friends I have, or how I shouldn't feel lonely. Although it is truly nice to remember how many people care for me, that does not happen to be the problem at hand - I miss you all, my dears.

I sit at home, look through the dirty window out into the empty world, full of as sad and lonely people as myself. Hearing my friends' voices, seeing their photographs, messaging them... these solutions only come as temporary, something like a quick material purchase to lift one's spirits. Naturally, I cherish and love all and every piece of contact I can achieve, but again - it is just not what I need.

My heart aches with how much I miss being able to greet my friends with a kiss on the cheek, being able to hug my friends upon seeing them for the first time in weeks, being able to crawl into the arms of my partner while he sweetly sleeps. 

My eyes weep with how I miss being able to feel the excitement of waiting for my new film roll with my friends happy faces, being in new places with said faces, being able to see their gorgeous eyes and listen to everything they will tell me. 

I miss you all, my dears. Terribly so. 

I wish to feed you all and see you smile, eyes sparkling. I hope you are all well, and though I find it difficult to write in these lonely times, know I appreciate you all so much. 

I love you. Thank you for existing in this social distanced proximity.

yours,
matty