the depresso

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Attempted a late night coffee pun in the title, but it's both too late and too old of a pun to humour anyone.

Welcome to the caffeine depression evening.

Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence.

Heck yeah it is. Addiction is a running joke amongst young adults; whether it be alcohol, drugs, sex... it's always treated as an improbable and laughable circumstance. My friends frequently laugh at my love for wine and call me addicted. My mother has always said how an addict cannot see their own addiction, hence it being a manifesting disease. In my adult life, this thought concerned me with any "drug" that I would ever find myself using...

Thi-this wine... am I addicted?

Oh no, did I seriously consider smoking a cigarette??

That being said, I never accused myself of being addicted to coffee... as I most likely am.

While I didn't accuse myself, others surely did... and I made sure to swiftly deny their allegations every time. I like coffee - sure I do - and it helps me with my migraines apparently; the previous is code for: I have awful withdrawal symptoms as well as migraines. More so, I enjoy the romanticisation of coffee and its acts, whether it be the joyous frothing of milk for a perfect latte or the brisk iced coffee in the mornings.

But there's a downside to it all. Hell, I get sad as heck.

It's usually not at once; typically, I'll go a few days slamming down coffees until - what we call - The Big Sad™ hits dramatically. It is characterised by a few things: my mood fluctuates like a middle aged woman trying to decide whether she wants to peacefully cook a meal or rage at some poor supermarket clerk for not letting her into the shop without a mask; the anxiety levels absolutely skyrocket; I simply cannot - can not - focus; I am cold.

In fact, I get so emotional during these times that any nostalgic thought makes me cry - it's a weird one. But in all of that, how do I stop? More so, does it have to be this way? Can I not continue peacefully drinking one coffee a day without feeling the repercussions?

I guess I will have to get back to you on that. Part one of the rant. I shall update in time.

Stay alive folks, contain those migraines.

Love,

Matty Black