Subtle

403

I've always been one of those more emotional people. I took words very seriously. I never told anyone that I loved them unless I did in fact care for them deeply.

Of course, not only my words were important. I would bash people for using "important" words loosely and for not using "magic" words enough. Yes, I took it all veeery seriously.

But it wasn't only these words that bugged me. It was also sentences and their meanings in general. I was never good with criticism nor hate. Everyone always had the same things to say; "their words don't matter", "don't listen to them", "you're better than them". But of course, being the small subsidiary with a complex feeling system, the words got to me and not only did they get to me, they built houses from bricks that they were ready to move into for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately, due to many unfavourable events, there aren't only a few houses in my head. On the contrary, there's a whole neighbourhood. And these neighbours love making a lot of noise when something isn't going there way.

Example: I'm just about to publish a poem. It's something quite deep and personal but I'm extremely good in my opinion and I spent a very long time perfecting it. However, just as I am about to click that magic button, one of the neighbours starts making a lot of noise, reminding me why they moved into the neighbourhood in the first place. Suddenly, I'm petrified. The neighbours are more important than my dreams. And with a couple clicks, the poem is forever saved.

Anything that expresses me as a person is validated by my neighbours. I try to stick to media where my neighbours won't find me, this blog for instance. The fear that my neighbours might knock on my blog's door one day is utterly horrifying though.

And this is just another one of those things that people won't understand. Words do get to me and those snarly comments stay with me. The people who disappointed me or treated me wrong are also noted. I can't get rid of it - but that's why the whole "running away" idea came to plan. Honestly, it's a constant thought.

Words and actions may not affect you, be thankful
For people like me have to go through a handful
You say "don't care" because for you it's easy
You're not used to being the outstanding anomaly
Do as you please, for the world is free
But in all that you do, don't hurt me
Nor me, nor them, not anyone you find
Because if the pain hits you, you'll be left behind

forever scared

love, gabriela