a portfolio, she said. a portfolio, i replied

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Aren't our experiences essentially a portfolio for our lives? It's strange; my blog seems to be the calmer, deeper side of me. Consequentially, my YouTube is the crazier, more extroverted side of me. Finishing it all, my Instagram is the scared side of me, but it still remains my favourite. Perhaps it's the people and the attention that shadow over the fear of hate on my account. Unusually, I keep planning to move past my anxiety and post what I wish, including the captions underneath, however I am at a disadvantage to my unfriendly supporters; my brain likes stacking up negative possibilities, resulting in me crouching under the cloud of doubts and disapproval. Ah, what a pain indeed.

Moving forward but staying in the same topic, how am I supposed to express my art and share it without hesitation? Suddenly, the realization of how I may be perceived in the universe daunts over me, scaring me out of my mind. I care too much about what people think and how I will be seen in different locations, causing me to overthink my non-existing reputation. It's a scary subject. Every time I post a photo on Instagram I worry. I would like to share my music and my poetry but how I will be perceived scare me enough to hide all of my creations deep under my bed. Telling myself that this will pass is depressing. But that's not the point - the point is I need a miracle.

Somehow, I am supposed to create a portfolio showcasing my photographic abilities and my favourite pieces of work. Could I ask my fellow anxious perfectionists to speak up and explain how impossible this is? Not only do I not know where my work is, but collecting and grouping it all onto one page seems like too big of a job for me, but it's a necessity, what can I do? I pray for a miracle because the adult way of doing things just doesn't seem to speak to me. Honestly, most of my friends are older than me, already heading into their adult years, I just feel like a lost teenager, unsure of when I am supposed to grow up. There's only a year and a half between now and the time I finish school (and turn 18). When am I supposed to have the time to grow up, especially since I only have about a year to find that apprenticeship of mine and save enough money to be able to live in a big city of some-sort. It's insane. Irrefutably mental. Ah, how the overwhelming qualities fixate themselves in my brain so patiently - perfect like a puzzle piece.

But alas, finishing this post on an uncertain note to strictly mark my bewilderment, I shall leave my blog once again, hopeful to return soon. Life will be fine, as it always is, I just hope it is nice too. Take care of yourselves, darlings. This is your only chance to do so.

love, me
with a comma in between
to signify my devotion
to my supporters