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I'm really bad at conflicts. I hate them and I try to avoid them as much as I can. That being said, I also despise being attacked or having my words picked on.
I don't know whether it's a thing I was born with or something I picked up along the way of my life but either way - I'm petrified of expressing my opinions and saying what I really mean. Blah blah bullying blah, my bullies always picked on the way I felt so deeply about things and how I was overly expressive and such. I guess that also screwed an idea into my head.
Still, especially at times when I'm in a lot of stress, people throwing negative thoughts at me don't really make me feel any better. Negating and denying the right to my opinions isn't the nicest either. Why do people feel like they have the right to deny me my own thoughts? They were built by my brain, I am who I am, you can't deny me just because I don't fit into the social structure you wish.
That being said, I'm going on a break. It already pains me enough - speaking my mind and worrying what others will reply - so I'm going to stop doing that for a while and I'm going to go back to saying nothing. The unemotional tactic probably isn't the healthiest but "fucking off everyone who speaks back" doesn't work with me either.
I hate not feeling safe around my own friends, I hate not being able to speak my mind. It's shit. I hate it. I'm emotional and I feel things. I won't magically change and I don't fucking want to. Stop pressuring me into being someone I'm not. Stop telling me I'm invalid because I don't fit your norms. I'm not you and I don't want to fucking be you. I have to be myself because if I were to be anyone else, who would be me? I am PROUD of myself, I love myself. So all of my thoughts will be spoken to my best friend - myself. And if my friends decide to understand my head and everything that I feel so deeply for, I'll be glad. For now - silence.
sad,
gab
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