it gets better

421

It seems like with every day I am discovering more layers to myself, whether it be a new genre of music I didn't know I would find interest in, a type of persona I didn't know I had subconsciously built, or a person I seem to suddenly miss even though I was never close to them in the first place.

Nowadays, I seem to be more focused on everything going around me more than anything else. At times, I find myself mindlessly refreshing my Instagram feed, begging for someone to upload a picture that I can admire. Similarly, I delve into the land of books as deep as I possibly can - so deep in fact that pulling me out of the void has been proven to be quite a challenge. 

Did I lose myself? I feel like I lose myself every once in a while, come back stronger and repeat the entire process again, with an everlasting underline of confusion of uncertainty of course. Will any of this pass? I cannot be sure. Truly, I find myself trying to scribble new escape routes are distractions because the idea of reality tends to be too overwhelming.

I try, what else can I say? There are better days and there are worse days... there's not much more to say really. 

After three minutes of a very... peculiar, shall I say, advert on YouTube, my chill day6 playlist has loaded and suddenly I am filled with inspiration to produce and present my music to the world. As mentioned, there are better and worse moments, but oh, the sweet and content feeling behind moments quite like these, where lovely music (that I can't unfortunately share with many people - different tastes in music, what can you do?) fills in the dark spaces of my mind and the nostalgic hot chocolate warms my body in a childish but fulfilling way. It's indescribable really.

In a way, I wish I could share these moments with someone, inspire them with my inspiration and share those mirrored smiles. It's as if my life has come to that point once again where I am content and aware of the singularity of my life, causing me to long for something that is so fantasised about in our society and more specifically this generation. 

Love, relationships - all those take time to build. True, I do long for that type of closeness with somebody but pushing the idea on myself could only possibly lead me to an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship that will only create drama and unfortunate emotional problems (chuckle). Forcing the idea onto myself is just an automatic mechanism of everyone around me dating/crushing on people, whereas I, in all my romantic hopelessness, am completely uninterested (and yet I still long for a relationship, oh how pathetic of me chuckle).

Anyhoo, time darlings. Beautiful things take time, do they not?

Ah, how suddenly inspired I am. Look at the unforeseen change of events and mood! This, my friends, is exactly how your life could change from a hopeless moment to a possibly life-changing one. Never give up.

Live on.

All my love,

Ella Rosé Matty Morgan